I Carried an Angel - Book Review
July 22, 2013 by
There is no way I can review this book. How can you judge someone's real life experience of something as painful as losing a child?
When I signed on for a chance to read and review "I Carried An Angel", by Staci A Luker, I did so for selfish reasons. In 2005 when I was 7 months pregnant, I stopped noticing movement from my baby and went to the doctor. My baby never kicked much during my pregnancy, but all the appointments went well so I didn't freak out. The doctor did not sign the referral me to visit the other part of the hospital, for a sonagram because according to him he heard my son's heartbeat when checking with the doppler. I figured maybe I was just being paranoid. A few days later, we decided to go to the ER, because I wanted to be given a sonogram immediately. After checking for a few minutes, the ultrasound technician looked worried and ran out of the room and a doctor came in. The doctor spent another while looking and by then I already knew what was coming. We heard those words an expecting family never wants to hear, "I'm sorry, but we cannot find a heartbeat".
My husband was crying, he was angry. My heart hurt, but at the time I was more confused, angry, questioning and cursing God. I couldn't believe this was happening, but moreso I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Two people who loved (still loves) our soon to be son and was so excited and prepared to meet him. Why me, when there are so many people aborting, stories of teens throwing babies in dumpsters, etc.? I couldn't help it. Day one, hours after hearing the news I felt more anger than anything, I couldn't even cry. I don't even remember blinking, I was just still. Day two, I realized this was our new reality and then my curses towards God became raw emotions and the pain I felt was visible. I cried until I started to hyperventilate. After a nap I started feeling better. It's so weird, during that nap I think I met Jesus and my son, Dillon. I felt as if questions were answered. That "why me?" became "why not me?", what makes me think I'm so special that I should never feel pain? That I don't deserve to hurt? When family and friends came to visit us in the hospital, some thought it was weird that I wasn't crying, I just welcomed them and told them to meet our son. We had our baby brought up to us from the morgue three days while we were there. My precious son, who was shrinking daily, stayed in his form long enough to bless us with a family album. Other people questioned why I took pictures, not understanding that I needed them to heal. I'm never going to hear his cry, or see him smile, I want to remember his beautiful dark curly hair, his smooth skin and compare his physical traits to the children God saw fit to bless us with years later.
During the delivery, my mom, sister and husband was in the room. The doctor who was on call said he had live babies to worry about (can you believe that?) so when I felt the need to push, I pushed my son out. It didn't take long, he was tiny, just 1 lb 14 oz. My husband ran into the halls trying to get a nurse to come in and one came in a few seconds later but I had already done all the work. All she had to do was open the sheet I was covered in and wrap up my baby.
Days later after an autopsy was done, we found out that my son was deceased for 9 days, he was already gone when I had my doctor's appointment. Nothing was wrong with him, he wasn't sick, his measurements were normal...he was just gone. An angel. For some odd reason, I was OK with that. As Christians we're taught everything happens for a reason, season and we should learn from experiences. God just wanted him back, now I just needed to figure out what the lesson was.
"God not only wants us to learn something of His love while we sorrow,
but God Wants Us to Learn Something About Life"
As the mother of an angel, I was able to relate to the book "I Carried An Angel", by Staci A Luker. There were a lot of similarities with our experience and although you would never want someone else to experience that kind of hurt, it's sadly comforting to see someone else who knows what you're going through. You never forget your child, and there are days that will be hard for what seems like no reason at all.
What I loved:
- I laughed when I read chapter 18, the dreaded question. I have been asked the "how many kids do you have?" or "you only have two boys?", questions many times and she answers similar to the way I do, "I have two here and one in heaven". My older son who understands life and death says he has two brothers, one lives in heaven. I also smile when I think about him and like her, speaking about my angel leads me to a conversation about my belief.
- I loved the way she answered the question "How do you trust in a God who allowed your son to die?" I won't share all the secrets of this book by posting her answer here!
- The pictures of her adorable daughter!
- The fact that this book exists!
This is a really good read, especially for someone who has experienced the loss of a child and are trying to find their way. It helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that life goes on and you could be happy again. I found comfort in God and online support groups, she found comfort in God and writing. This book may have been started as a result of sadness, but it won't leave you feeling emotionally drained. It's a story of strength!
Disclaimer: I received the book "I Carried an Angel" for the purpose of a review.